Left to Live
It is possible to grieve the loss before the loss actually occurs. I know this because I grieve.
A man whom I love dearly is dieing. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two weeks ago. He is dieing. I am a person of strong faith and although I do not doubt the possibility of healing for him, I do notice that the Divine is one that seems to operate within tendencies. Stone tends to be hard. Trees tend to bend with the breeze. Rain tends to fall. People with stage four pancreatic cancers tend to die.
There is life, even in this. This man is 40 years old, happily married and the father of two boys under 12 years old. As tragic as this is, it is a gift (I believe) to know the approximate time of one's death. There are things that can be planned. Last times to be had and enjoyed, and there can be words spoken that heal and provide enduring hope. Dieing can be life giving. I have seen it happen.
Once, what seems like a life-time ago now, I watched as a disease sickened infant, living only 8 months, served to lead an entire congregation of people to the precipice of life. Those who chose to were able to stand and gaze into the shadows of the abyss as she moved beyond our reach and there, there in that mist of nothing, we found many of the questions that make life worth living. It is the questions, you know, that make value of our days and weave meaning into our years. The questions are important. Answers yield only finality, conclusions. Questions, those are the things of tomorrow. Questions take us to new places, new hopes.
For now, I don't find any new questions arising. No hope, just pain and numbness. Just pain - the pain that is just? I move through each day and do the thing in front of me. I feel only the ache of impending loss and the anger of denial. I have cried. I will cry more, but not now.
Feelings are. They are neither good nor bad, but some merely comfortable or uncomfortable. For me, there is some familiarity in loss and emotional pain. I will not live here long for I know that there is more, the next phase of being.
Yet, today I rest with Depression and Helplessness as my companions.
Divine One
Caress me with your will
Brush your way against me
That I may know
Then under gird me
With your strength
Bind me together
For your work.
It is possible to grieve the loss before the loss actually occurs. I know this because I grieve.
A man whom I love dearly is dieing. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two weeks ago. He is dieing. I am a person of strong faith and although I do not doubt the possibility of healing for him, I do notice that the Divine is one that seems to operate within tendencies. Stone tends to be hard. Trees tend to bend with the breeze. Rain tends to fall. People with stage four pancreatic cancers tend to die.
There is life, even in this. This man is 40 years old, happily married and the father of two boys under 12 years old. As tragic as this is, it is a gift (I believe) to know the approximate time of one's death. There are things that can be planned. Last times to be had and enjoyed, and there can be words spoken that heal and provide enduring hope. Dieing can be life giving. I have seen it happen.
Once, what seems like a life-time ago now, I watched as a disease sickened infant, living only 8 months, served to lead an entire congregation of people to the precipice of life. Those who chose to were able to stand and gaze into the shadows of the abyss as she moved beyond our reach and there, there in that mist of nothing, we found many of the questions that make life worth living. It is the questions, you know, that make value of our days and weave meaning into our years. The questions are important. Answers yield only finality, conclusions. Questions, those are the things of tomorrow. Questions take us to new places, new hopes.
For now, I don't find any new questions arising. No hope, just pain and numbness. Just pain - the pain that is just? I move through each day and do the thing in front of me. I feel only the ache of impending loss and the anger of denial. I have cried. I will cry more, but not now.
Feelings are. They are neither good nor bad, but some merely comfortable or uncomfortable. For me, there is some familiarity in loss and emotional pain. I will not live here long for I know that there is more, the next phase of being.
Yet, today I rest with Depression and Helplessness as my companions.
Divine One
Caress me with your will
Brush your way against me
That I may know
Then under gird me
With your strength
Bind me together
For your work.
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