Advent

Be it internal chaos or external over stimulus or something altogether different, I find no real joy in this impending holiday season.

I am happy enough. I am satisfied enough. I am painfully aware of how many things are not and are never going to be what I desire. My acceptance is low. My serenity, tentative. I am approaching apathy on many fronts.

I want to eat cake and drink whole milk. I want to spend money and own new things. I want to feel different and that for me is always a dangerous thing.

I have lived with this awareness awhile. I am tired of it. I am tired of struggling with me and knowing that neither the struggle or my failure will successfully save me from me.

These are dark personal days in need of light.