Life On LIfe's Terms

My sister, 6 years older than me is in ICU struggling for her life. I have been to SC to see her, help support the family, and process some of my emotions. I love my sister. I always have. She struggles now with an odd combination of consequences from years of self abuse and neglect. She is, by her own admission, an addict. At times she has managed some recovery. At times she has relapsed. Now is one of those times of relapse.

She has been sedated in ICU for a week now, on a respirator, an antibiotic cocktail and countless other medications to help her try and fight back from kidney failure, a blood born infection, pneumonia and an overdose of prescription medication. She is one sick lady.

All I can think of today, is a poem I wrote a few years back (see below). She positively loved it and felt that someone had finally captured in words her deepest angst. Strangely, I understand what she means. I know that life has been for her a real struggle to find peace. She is stuck in some deep emotional mire, and has not chosen to feel and deal with her being.

I wish for her recovery... from her illness and her disease. Disease...to lack ease.

I love you, Sis.

I Want to Bleed

i want to bleed
let the ruby stream flow
from self inflicted wounds of loss
rush forth with all life, zest and hope
pulsing screams of despair
velvet waves overflowing proper boundries

i want to bleed
washing out decaying debris
rotting carcasses now swept away
foul organic rot lifted from the land
of now remembered errors
move on, ever away to another place

i want to bleed
until the last drops fall silently
tears of silent agony upon now parched land
leaving only dust, lifeless shadows
passed by all but a few
mindless of the flood that once flowed

until they too long to bleed

-Theo