Life's Stage

pull the string, watch the dolls dance
blood runs from my finger tips
maybe this time it will change
calm my fears or ease my pain

see my marionettes take your stage
watch your laughter, feel your rage
safely sitting program in hand
three cheers for the puppet man

pull the string, watch the dolls dance
blood runs from my finger tips
maybe this time it will change
calm my fears, ease my pain

i see your faces, swoons and frowns
watching fixed, puppet take puppet down
they are not real, your thoughts remind
while i silently die here behind

pull the string, watch the dolls dance
blood runs from my finger tips
maybe this time it will change
calm my fears, ease my pain

with human hate they dance for you
showing the worst the we can do
superb, delight, encore' your shouts
so once more the toys come out

pull the string, watch the dolls dance
blood runs from my finger tips
maybe this time it will change
calm my fears, ease my pain

the lights are gone, empty isles now
i fall broken wondering how
these hands will heal, gather strength again
so, you can live through my gift, friend

pull the string, watch the dolls dance
blood runs from my finger tips
maybe this time it will change
calm my fears, ease my pain

see my marionettes take your stage
watch your laughter, feel your rage
safely sitting program in hand
three cheers for the puppet man

-Theo

Notes: Much of my life I have pleased others. The roll I chose in my childhood was to be the entertaining, helpful child. Being the youngest of three in a dysfunctional family (is that redundant?), I developed quite the skill of performing for the approval of others. This behavior followed me into adulthood, and soon became unhealthy. When situations demanded me to sacrifice my own well being to appease others, I would often yield. The result was self-inflicted destruction. I simply did not care for myself emotionally, sometimes to the point of not even knowing what I truly wanted or needed. I performed. The poem above came from the awareness of this struggle.

DOING AS I AM TOLD

I have been instructed to update. So, consider this an update. Although the journey to find focus continues, one thing is clear: I plan to continue Theophany for the foreseeable future. What is uncertain is the exact focus of things here.

My first use of this space was to catalogue and reflect on my living as I moved through the early months of recovery from addiction to drugs. My feelings were raw and the space gave me a place to vent, feel, ponder and liberate. Today, I don't seem to need to revel publically in the ongoing moments of recovery. I still attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings on a weekly basis and there, among the family of recovering people and the relationship I have built with my sponsor, I tend to process and learn what I need to about recovery and becoming an increasingly more responsible and productive member of society.

Much of my 'recovering' is still found here, encased among the poetry and prose layered about this blog. Although not proclaimed as such, I know my recovery IS within all that I live, and I suspect that were I to position it other than at the center of my living, I would soon be falling prey to some manifestation of addiction. In that sense this will always be about the journey of one recovering addict.

What is more, although this has and always will be a space intended for my benefit, I am aware by the emails that have been sent and the occasional poignant comment, that others find thier way here and in so doing sometimes find something of value for themselves. Perhaps, as Theophany transforms in the coming weeks, it will be to better acknowledge these moments. Perhaps the new shade of Theophany will be more connected and less silent within these contacts. I seldom correspond with those who post comments, other than the banter that some comments demand. That may change. I ponder the value of letting more of myself be known to others by sharing outside of this space.

Another piece of the 'now' is that thanks to some assistance of a design-wise-friend, I will be exploring some design changes. Action often precedes inspiration, so I am not sure what affect the new design might have on the focus of my posting here... Time will tell. I do know that the current design had a profound affect on these years of Theophany...

Such is the state of affairs here.

And now for a poetic interlude...

Is that you?

I see the familiar tilt of your face
The curve of your neck
Your embrace
Of him

As you once carefully held me
Knowing my dreams
Setting me free
Of you

Is that you my amusing one
Caressing my passion
Telling me you are not done
With us?

-Theo

Theophany Paused?

Not sure what is next. It is time for me to do some evaluating. Remembering - to put my members back together - pondering on such things as:

1. what is the purpose of this space?
2. the value of my vocation(s).
3. time spent. time saved. can we 'save' time?
4. why do i feel more numb than passion of late?
5. is it time for a Theo face-lift and a new focus?
6. maybe this IS as good as it gets.


this is not an ending...not a beginning...more of a pause.

in the mean time, what do you do when your life blends all of your vibrancy into hues of gray?