Easter Uninspired

Amid the marshmallow bunnies, jelly-bellies, and pastel painted eggs, I do not find Easter this year. The marks of a commercial and festive celebration that have become more about family, spring and (as often holidays are) fanciful hopes of imagined completeness, are mostly absent from my Easter this year. In fact, Easter has come upon me much like the annoying reality of muscle spasms that mark a hike too long and too demanding for current conditioning. An uncomfortable surprise.

I will still walk through the day of church going, family dinner and a birthday party with some manner of appropriate participation. What is this pallor of tone that has settled with me? I inventory my living, my daily actions, and find nothing actually wrong. There are the 'normal' stresses of watching my children make their mistakes and experience their consequences. I have my share of demands at work and much of my energy is spent there, upon the anvil of my vocation. Why this discord within? Why do I find myself looking for distractions? Why do I long for something pleasant, passionate?

I know the drill. Time for a meeting. Call my sponsor. Take real care of me. Today, I tire of this vigilant life. Is there no end to the my need for watchfulness of self. I live with the reality that I am my own worst enemy. I am more likely to bring pain to my own life than anyone or anything else.

"Joy and sorrow flow mingled down."

Enough. I have Easter to celebrate...At least to fain celebration.